Rewriting hiss’tory

I think I’m shedding skin.

I’ve watched too many videos of snakes letting down their old papery skin. The wriggle about and shake and shiver, sending spasmodic ripples right across their length. The mud around them shakes a bit, sending bits of gravel and grit into the air. Slowly, a circle of skin starts appearing at the neck and it grows. The snake continues to wriggle, sending the skin right across its body down to the very bottom of its tail.

The old skin looks white and papery and parched. The snake, on the other hand looks like it has had a makeover. Glistening from every angle, the new skin looks fresh and moist, with the most exotic patterns to match its elegance. It is not a new snake, but one that has undergone a dermal evolution.

Or a ‘derma-lution’.

Ha ha.

I always wonder why i keep inventing words. Maybe after forty, I really should be reinventing myself.

Let’s see how many things i could reinvent about myself then.

I could reinvent my name, which is mispronounced by half the world. It’s either ‘Manjooola’ or ‘Monjula’ or a ‘Manjulllla’. So let’s say I’m reborn as a Kate or a Jake, things would be much more simplified. And then maybe, with a simple name like Kate, my life too would be that much simpler.

I could reinvent my feelings, or control-alt-del them altogether. After all, what good are they in a world that is inventing chips by the dozen?

That’s how it suddenly occurred to me. What if there’s this brand new chip in the market which can replace half the 40 something brain? Makers of Chip440+ would make a winning argument to the Senate that this chip can improve human productivity and thereby scale up global economy?

Chip440+ would initially be designed to do simple arithmetic, like add, subtract, multiply, divide and log in.

Chip440+ could be updated delete human feelings. This new version will considerable memory and improve chip performance, chip makers would argue.

For a small update price, Chip440 will erase out tooth decay memories, first period memories and biggest pimple memories. It will erase bad parent memories, which will automatically overwrite bad relationship memories. That will be half the functioning of an adult brain gone down the tube. But that’s just a small hardware price you have to pay for good performance, chip makers would insist.

I have been turning down orders by the dozen, arguing with the chip staff that I do not want to complicate my life.

But life will be simplified, they counter, in their webcast. At least try the demo version, they coax me. I finally submit to the technology gurus.

Now with the chip implant and half of my time-tested brain still untouched by technology, I wonder if I still have good chances of making wholesome connections with the external world.

That is, with the kind cooperation of:

1) My parents. God bless them but I’m so excited about my brain-lift that i want to keep all the control buttons to myself.

2) Half my schoolteachers who practically copyrighted the words ‘You’re dumb’.

3) My husband- Who doesn’t know my middle name but can name the latest car in the manufacturing market.

This list can actually grow, I’m told by the chip- makers. But this is based on my own Dysfunctionality Index as a function of real time, which can complicate things a bit.

I’m proud to own my own Dysfunctionality Index.

But I do want to keep it simple.

Now, with half my natural brain intact I wonder if i can form new semantic associations all over again.

Can I replace ‘Sorry’ with ‘Surely’?

‘Want’ with ‘Need’?

‘Feel’ with ‘Think’?

‘It’s right’ with ‘It’s ok’?

Maybe in the new update, chip answers.

With my new bionic brain, can i see new colors with my eyes?

Maybe I can replace Red with green and Black and White with Gray?

‘Keep it simple, stupid’, it’s my chip is talking!! Ok, ok, I’ll stick to the old palette.

With my new brain, can I replace old sounds too, I wonder? Like the bellow of a boss with the babble of a bird, or the rumble of the washing machine with the rush of a stream?

‘Why would u want to do that?’, chip asks me. You can add new sounds but you cannot replace them.

So I keep it real simple. And stick to the original program.

On Day 1, the chip announces brightly that ‘Life begins at forty’.

So does menopause, midlife and marital hiss. Do you have a new chip for that, I ask my chipped-in self.

‘Life begins at forty’, chip announces on Day 2.

So does graying and gum decay. Chip fall in idle mode.

‘At forty you’re raring to go and dying to glow’. Chip announces brightly on Day 3.

At forty, you want to rock but think only of the clock. I message in.

‘At forty, you’re chasing security, skirts and sleep.’ Dumb chip, I AM a woman in skirts.

Come on, you’ve made it this far. With half your brain exchanged at rock-bottom price, you should do just great.

‘Now be happy and wriggle like a snake that has just shed its skin.’ Chip orders.

Yes, mama!

I do the snake dance.